why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
