ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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