Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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