I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
