bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
