look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
