Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
