I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
