And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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