dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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