New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
