did you get engaged???
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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