sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
