I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I have fence marks all over my body
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
