there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
