Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So squirting runs in the family.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize