Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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