I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
