The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize