I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
