How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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