Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
