Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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