im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
