She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
