dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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