Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
