its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
