You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
