She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
