I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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