I am puke
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
