I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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