just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
