Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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