I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
