Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
