Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
