My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
