I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
