Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I have aggressive nipples.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
