I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
