Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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