fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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