ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
