i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
