If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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