If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize