4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Houston, we have a squirter
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
this hospital has no fireball
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
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