When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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