My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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