im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
