well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
