Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
